Rules for straight photography!

[pico_digoliardi]

In the interest of keeping photography honest,

 

0. Zero is a number, not a realistic number of tolerable defects.

 

1. Never use perspective controls - it only misrepresents 2D as the ordinary

person is accustomed to seeing it.

 

2. Do not spot prints. A TRUE archivist knows that his precious archival

prints might be invaluable to far-future archeologists who can measure the

dust to help determine the frequency of large particulate matter in the

environment of the period.

 

3. Polarization filters create unnatural outcomes. Light is sacred. Glare is

good.

 

4. Grain. More is better. Supressing grain is denial of the social clustering

of silver halides. Respect your silver content! Noise is natural! (Do not

digress into racist White vs Other noise arguments.)

 

5. Always shoot large format at F90. If your lens does not go to F90, get one

that does.

 

6. The persistence factor of human vision is 1/24th of a second. Never shoot

longer exposures.

 

7. Always include a greyscale and color calibration chart in the picture so

that the real colors can be known.

 

8. Never modify the scene in any way, and that includes keeping your own

shadow out of the picture.

 

9. Any lens that Sally Mann would use should be donated to a revisionary-

leftist-commie art school.

 

10. Digital is okay. Conserve energy. Do not dispute. The total energy spent

tapping key-strokes to argue either way has accumulated to a total of 2,000

person-hours of wasted time, and enough energy to carry an overweight

handicapped senior-citizen from a burning building. Now that's just plain

sense.

 

11. Black & White is a lie. The world is color. If you wish to photograph for

the colorblind, learn how they really see. And label it so.

 

12. Enlarge to life-size. 6lp/mm is adequate. Most reality does not fit an A4.

 

13. NOOP

 

14. GOTO 0

 

More, please.

[bradfarlow]

15. Always use a tripod and fast shutter speed, photos capture moments not minutes. Blur is not real.

[bradfarlow]

I guess that speaks to number 6. lol nice list.

[mike dixon]

Put as little thought as humanly possible into your photography in order to minimize any bias derived from your experiences and perceptions. For the purest and most-truthful photo making, it's best to keep your eyes firmly closed.

[William Kahn]

Mike's would be 16, so....

 

17. Always print in 1:1.25 aspect ratio, because that's the way God ordained real film.

 

18. Always print on the most esoteric paper you can find.

[h._p.]

19. Ignore specified development times for film - correctly developed film is the devil's spawn and only suitable for teaching art students what to avoid.

[ronaldo_r]

20. Shoot RAW, resave as TIF, keep both, do not post-process.

21. Always pre-focus.

[ellis_vener_photography]

Words to live by. I am prnting this out an laminating it so I can keep it with me at all times.

 

very, very funny stuff. You are an inspired man Mr. diGoliardi

[William Kahn]

I second Ellis' motion. To quote Cedric the Saxon in the film, <i>Ivanhoe</i>, "Rich, oh richly done!" (with a profound rolling of the "r")......

[jean_marc_liotier]

<p>

Ronaldo R, jul 26, 2006; 08:57 a.m. wrote :</br>

> 20. Shoot RAW, resave as TIF, keep both, do not post-process

</p>

<p>

Rendering a RAW file as a TIF image _is_ post-processing... Actually, even producing a JPEG file in the camera includes post-processing even if most people do not see it as such.

</p>

[William Kahn]

And don't forget that any changes in composition or focus that you make before tripping the shutter is pre-processing.

[steve_swinehart]

You must have been on the TrustImage website - sounds like nearly direct quotes from them as to what constitutes a photograph.

 

Remember - the image must follow these paradigms:

 

"Not made by combining photographs"

 

 

"Not content-manipulated,"

 

 

"Not misrepresentative of the original scene"

[peterblaise]

.

 

-- Yeah, but what about gay and lesbian photography?

[William Kahn]

There's a proposed constitutional amendment to ban gay and lesbian photograpny.....

[peterblaise]

.

 

Like Stalin did to his enemies, gays and lesbians will be auto-deleted -- GLAD -- in-camera or in Photoshop, I guess?

 

Any camera or program that does not include the gay and lesbian auto-deleter -- GLAD -- will be prohibited for sale in the US ... the way (did you know) any image editing program that permits editing images of US currency is forbidden for sale in the US, and Photoshop will NOT load a scan of a dollar bill -- try it!

 

This was hard to implement with film, and that's why digital has replaced film, because digital is controllable by the government, you know, by those small-government, out-of-the-people's-private-business people now in power. More power to them! In fact, ALL power to them.

 

Damn the constitution - it gets in the way anyway. Heck, why even amend the constitution? They never obey, uphold or defend it anyway?

[b_hall1]

Well, the world is often black and white. Like heavy overcast or bay fog. Also, old industrial. But I like color film shots of black and white scenes...also meaning that sharp medium-contrast (or less) black-and-white is the best black-and-white.

 

Life is not a blur ? Just spin your head...

 

But one important rule...print full frame (or full file-aspect-ratio) on the standard size paper. In fact this makes 35mm look panoramic...

[kolaczan]

20B. Never delete a photo. Even if the lens cap was on. Storage is cheap and you never know; 100 years from now your picture of the fuzzy, underexposed blur might change the world (once your famous).

[KenPapai]

21. The more expensive your camera the better your pictures are.

 

22. Anything digital is unreal because the eye/brain/mind is an analog neural network and memory device.

[pico_digoliardi]

<i>Photoshop will NOT load a scan of a dollar bill -- try it! </i><p>

 

If you know the pattern it is looking for you can use it for a watermark. Cool, eh?

 

Constitution? Why don't we give it to Iraq. Hell, we ain't using it.

[Tony Rowlett]

Use a Leica. Real photographers use only Leicas.

[stephen hazelton]

The depth of field and sharpness of your photos should be identical to that of your eyes, including effects of any bifocals. Ignore the f/90 rule above, adjust to match the f/stop of your eyes, as measured on-scene with a caliper and mirror.

 

Any "floaters" in your eyes should be simulated by flinging dead squirrels or other appropriate objects through the scene as the shutter is tripped.

 

All photos must be stereoscopic or otherwise rendered as 3D.

 

All shots made with very wide-angle lenses must include an out-of-focus nose at the bottom center of the print.

[blowingsky]

23. Never crop a photograph shot with a crop factor.

24. Before a critique can be made of another's work, a crop MUST be suggested.

25. Digital images are simply binary overlays and are therefore wallpaper for people who can't see the matrix.

26. No image is "better" than any other image. Craft is an empty, elitist "granfalloon".

27. Space is curved, time is a circle, the earth is a sphere, <i>Gallia est omnis divisa in partes tres</i>, therefore there are no straight lines, only aspherical lies.

[mike butler]

2X, If you ain't contact printing, you ain't doin diddly.

[mrstubbs]

42. Know the question.

 

50. Buy a Harley.

 

69. Leave the camera in the bag.

[blowingsky]

70. Photographers travelling at the speed of light are advised to ignore the "Sunny 16" rule.