Need Help With My "About Me"

[george_jonathan]

<p>This is a rough draft for my about me and I'm simply looking for opinions on it and what you like and don't like. As well I haven't attached a picture with this post but if you look at my profile picture here on PN you'll get an idea. I didn't want to come off as bragging and wanted to create a down to earth connection with my clients and have a call to action at the end.</p>

<p><br>

</p>

<p >Hello you! George Jonathan is my name and before I continue, I just have to put out there that my age is 22. I’m pretty sure one of the first questions you asked yourself when looking at my picture were “Is this kid 15” or “Great, another hipster with a camera.” I want to ensure you that neither of those is me and I’m here to help you create imagery that will last beyond our time here and that will carry on to your next generation. I specialize in portraits and weddings and when I first started photographing, I was doing a lot of editorial and commercial work until one day it hit me. “Why don’t I bring the experience of one these shoots to my clients?” Fast forward a couple years without aging and we now have George Jonathan photography. From the moment I meet you guys, I want to bring a sense of enjoyment and fun to your shoot. I’m not into the boring posing and traditional way of photographing people. Let’s let loose, have fun, and enjoy our time together, because no day is the same, so we might as well make it a party and create a memory out of it. I’m based in Los Angeles, but open to shooting worldwide – especially Italy, Paris, and Sweden. So enough about me, I would love to know more about you. I do coffee, long phone talks, lunch on the beach, and occasionally a glass of wine at Napa.</p>

[William Michael]

<p>The general text, momentum and writing style is in keeping with your website concept (REF: your previous thread about your website critique) and also the text and writing style is in concert with the genre, style and client base you seem to be addressing.<br>

*</p>

<p>I wouldn't use the phrase<br>

"I’m here to <strong><em>help you create </em></strong>imagery that will last beyond our time here and that will carry on to your next generation."<br>

Who is doing the creating?<br>

*</p>

<p>"Fast forward a couple years <em><strong>without aging</strong></em> and we now have George Jonathan photography."<br>

I know what you are saying but the phrase is clumsy and distracting to the reader.<br>

*<br>

"Let’s let loose, have fun, and enjoy our time together, because no day is the same, <em><strong>so we might as well make it</strong></em> a party and create a memory out of it."<br>

Every other phrase in this sentence is positive and assertive: <em>"might as a well make it"</em> is weak and presents as the second rate and alternative option to the reader: the other option which you (unwittingly and subliminally) have suggested to the reader is better for them - i.e. the traditional stuff from a bloke whom is older, more experienced and much wise than you. <br>

* <br>

I am not keen on the Picture being mirror reversed - if on purpose it doesn't work for me: if a mistake, then it is sloppy.<br>

<strong>What camera, specifically, is that around you neck?</strong></p>

<p>WW</p>

 

[george_jonathan]

<p>William, thank you for your response. Yeah I felt the same with the <strong>"without aging"</strong> part, I'm trying to think of something more clever. That picture is not going to be used in my about me. That was just used as an example to showcase my baby face to the audience since everyone believes I'm a teen, and the camera is a Nikon F5. Thank you again William! I'm going to work on the changes. </p>

[William Michael]

<blockquote>

<p>"That picture is not going to be used in my about me . . . the camera is a Nikon F5"</p>

</blockquote>

<p>I misunderstood that point - thanks for clarifying it.</p>

<p>Thanks - I thought it was an F Series SLR (i.e. not a <em><strong>D</strong></em>SLR). <br>

My question about the camera is now moot, as you are not using that Photo, anyway: "the extreme retro-techno look just doesn't work" - was to have been my comment!</p>

<p>*</p>

<p>Try something like this:</p>

<p><em>"I specialize in portraits and weddings and when I first started photographing, I was doing a lot of editorial and commercial work until one day it hit me. “Why don’t I bring the experience of one these shoots to my clients?” Holding that thought, we fast forward a couple years and - George Jonathan Photography - is here."</em></p>

<p>WW</p>

[danmarchant]

<p>I think that starting off with the age comment is a bad idea. You are basically saying to potential clients "I know you are thinking bad things about me because I look young". Firstly your accusing a client of a fault they may not even have and second you come across as insecure about your age/perceived age and the way you look.<br>

If you really feel you must mention your age I would stick to "I'm George Jonathan, a 22 year old photographer from...."</p>

[grh]

<p>+1 on the age comment. It's irrelevant. Talking about your history and background is fine, but there's no need to bring up the fact that you're young. Your photo will do that for you. And if you're not a hipster with a camera, don't use a picture that makes you look like one. In fact, don't use a picture that involves a camera at all. Just a nice headshot to illustrate your openness and friendliness.</p>

<p>The chattiness is a bit much for me. Your work will tell a prospective client most of what they need to know. If your approach is journalistic, perhaps find a better way to describe that that comes across as positive, rather than critical ("boring posing", etc.)</p>

<p>I appreciate how difficult this is. I"m working on mine as well.</p>

[Jim_Dockery_Photos]

<p>I agree with all the comments above, especially dropping all the age stuff. The grammar and punctuation need a lot of work. That might be a style you are using, trying to appeal to the texting generation that doesn't care about such things, but for those of us who do it comes off as uneducated. I would quit reading and leave a web site with such unprofessional writing, worried that all of your work is just as sloppy. I'm not going to do the editing for you, but I'd take it to someone you know who can write and have them help.</p>

[William Michael]

<blockquote>

<p>"The grammar and punctuation need a lot of work. That might be a style you are using, trying to appeal to the texting generation that doesn't care about such things, but for those of us who do it comes off as uneducated."</p>

</blockquote>

<p>That's an interesting comment.<br>

I didn't interpret the writing style as an uneducated writing or (unintentional) misuse of grammar and punctuation.<br>

I would agree that the particular writing style could be interpreted as such, by some people: and that is not a criticism of those some people, who would interpret it so.<br>

I think the OP was quite purposeful in developing a writing style specifically to target a market but still make sense to a more general population - I'd be interested in his comments on that point: and also (out of my curiosity) he might answer if he is (trained and) capable of writing in Formal English. <br>

<br>

WW</p>

[george_jonathan]

<p>Thank you all for the help. To clarify, this is my first rough draft, so there was going to be plenty of mistakes. As for the punctuation and grammar, the about me is meant to be like that because, I feel coming from a down to earth tone better connects the client with me. I have nothing against well written professional about me's but, I always felt they were gears towards establish photographers and since I'm not establish, I don't want to create a vibe where I'm too cold, or far from my clients. If the writing of my about me will ultimately decide if the client is going to book me or not then ultimately that is not the client that I'm seeking. This is my second rough draft and hopefully its a lot better then the first. I split the first rough draft into two paragraphs and added another. Thank you again for all the help.</p>

<p><br>

</p>

<p >Hello you! My name is George Jonathan and I’m a 22 year old photographer based in Los Angles., specializing in wedding and portrait photography. I can’t say I’m the typical photographer or else I’ll be lying. With my weddings I enjoy capturing your day in a photo journalistic approach with a fine art sensibility. I’m incredibly meticulous in all areas of my life, so capturing all the little things on your wedding that you’ve been planning for months is something I love to do. I love thinking outside the box and creating one of a kind portraits to showcase your personal style is also another thing I love most about working with my clients. From the moment I meet you guys, I want to bring a sense of enjoyment and fun to your shoot. Let’s let loose, have fun, and enjoy our time together, because no day is the same, and each day brings its own moments and let us help you preserve them.</p>

<p > </p>

<p >Coming from a background of producing high quality work, we are always on top of game with gear, techniques, and providing you with the finest quality digital files, prints, and albums. Not only do we seek to please our clients, but also ourselves. We aim to stay ahead of the curve with fresh ideas, as our goal is to walk away with another award winning image. We have high standards for the quality of work we produce!</p>

<p > </p>

<p >Aside from shooting regularly in LA, we are open to shooting worldwide – especially Italy, Paris, and Sweden. So enough about me, I would love to know more about you. I do coffee, long phone talks, lunch on the beach, and occasionally a glass of wine at Napa.</p>

[William Michael]

<p>Thanks for your comments.</p>

<p>For the style in which you are writing, the second draft is an improvement.</p>

<p>I don’t like the negative connotation here: “I can’t say I’m the typical photographer or else <strong><em>I’ll be lying.</em></strong>”<br>

Why can’t that sentence be a simple and a positive statement? - “I am not the/your typical photographer”</p>

<p>I shall now agree with JD on two issues in the second draft: IMO these are NOT in keeping with any approach of “style” and should be corrected:</p>

<p>1.<br>

Remove the full stop (aka period) after “Angles”.<br>

If the city is ‘Los Angeles’, then spell it correctly. <br>

While I am at it, I’ll suggest that you might as well delete all the commas preceding all the conjunctions “and”. Those commas don’t add to the writing style and omitting the comas certainly won’t designate you ‘mainstream’ in any way.<br>

Maybe I am incorrect - but don't believe that correct "American" English Grammar allows commas prior to a conjunction: but that's not the point; their inclusion doesn't add anything and they are distracting, no matter how we debate the writing style. <br>

</p>

<p>2.<br>

The first and third paragraphs are written in first person singular: (“<strong><em>My</em></strong> name . . . <strong><em>I</em></strong> am . . .)<br>

The second paragraph is written in first person plural: (<strong><em>we</em></strong> are . . . <strong><em>our</em></strong> goal . . . )<br>

This is confusing to the reader.<br>

Secondly it is just sloppy writing, anyway, IMO.</p>

<p>WW</p>

[george_jonathan]

<p>Thanks William, I'm going to tighten it up now.</p>

[nicolerenee]

<p>Hello you! My name is George Jonathan and I’m a <strong>22 year old</strong> (<em>I personally don't thing you need this.</em>) photographer based in Los Anglesspecializing in wedding and portrait photography. I can’t say I’m the typical photographer or else I’ll (<em>I'd, not I'll</em>) be lying <em>(how are you not the typical photographer? You state that but give no reason why. Either elaborate a little bit, move the sentence to another place in the paragraph where you talk about your style, or take it out.)</em> With <strong>my weddings</strong> (<em>awkward phrasing, makes it sound like they are YOUR weddings and not the clients. Maybe, "when photographing weddings," or something along those lines</em>) I enjoy capturing your day in a photo journalistic approach with a fine art sensibility. I’m incredibly meticulous in all areas of my life, so capturing all the little things on your wedding that you’ve been planning for months is something I love to do. <strong>I love thinking outside the box and creating one of a kind portraits to showcase your personal style is also another thing I love most about working with my clients.</strong> <em>(read this sentance out loud to yourself. You should have 2 sentences here. "I love thinking outside the box and creating one of a kind portraits to showcase your personal style. It's one of the things I love most about working with my clients.)</em>From the moment I meet you <strong>guys </strong><em>(remove)</em>, I want to bring a sense of enjoyment and fun to your shoot. Let’s let loose, have fun, and enjoy our time together<strong>, </strong><em>(remove the comma)</em> because no day is the same, and each day brings its own moments (insert period) <strong>and</strong> (<em>start a new sentence here)</em>let us help you preserve them.</p>

<p>Coming from a background of producing high quality work <em>( what does this mean? You may need to elaborate, or else just give a quick blurb about your background so the reader associates your work with quality)</em>, we are always on top of (<em>our)</em>game with gear, techniques, and providing you with the finest quality digital files, prints, and albums. Not only do we seek to please our clients, but also ourselves. We aim to stay ahead of the curve with fresh ideas, as our goal is to walk away with another award winning image (if you have award winning images? Mention that and then back it up. I think it would be more effective in the first paragraph. You could introduce yourself as George Jonathan, award winning photographer.) We have high standards for the quality of work we produce!</p>

<p>Aside from shooting regularly in LA, we are open to shooting worldwide – especially Italy, Paris, and Sweden. So enough about me, I would love to know more about you. I do coffee, long phone talks, lunch on the beach, and occasionally a glass of wine at Napa.<br>

_______________________________________________________________________________________</p>

<p>Okay, George, here we go.<br>

Personally there are a few things that immediately turned me off. Using a casual tone is a great way to make your clients feel like you are down to earth and easy to talk to, but it is also an area where you have to be careful. Casual doesn't mean bad grammar, so be sure to re-read your sentences, even say them out loud to yourself. If something sounds strange when you speak it, then it's probably written and/or punctuated wrong.</p>

<p>Next, you need to choose which voice youre going to write in. I would stick with first person singular, as William W mentioned, and replace the "we's" in the second and third paragraph with "I."<br>

Finally, and I don't mean for this to sound rude at all, but this sentence:<br>

"I do coffee, long phone talks, lunch on the beach, and occasionally a glass of wine at Napa."<br>

honestly sounds as if you're on a dating site writing a personal ad. You might want to thing about re-phrasing that without sounding like you're looking for a date. That problem is a little exacerbated by your use of the word love. You might want to cut down on the repetition of that word, because you will either come off as insincere or trite.<br>

I hope that helped a little bit and you're able to get a few paragraphs you really like.</p>

<p>Best of luck!</p>

<p>Nicole</p>

 

[george_jonathan]

<p>Thank you Nicole for your time. All the information is very valuable. Time to make my last draft and then my final. Thank you all for trying to help me become a better photographer.</p>

[george_jonathan]

<p>Thank you William, Dan, Gary and Nicole for all your time and effort to help build a great about me. After taking all the advice, I've written the final draft. Here we go.</p>

<p><br>

<br>

Hello You! My name is George and I’m a photographer based in Los Angeles specializing in wedding and portrait photography. When photographing weddings, I enjoy capturing your day in a photo journalistic approach with a fine art sensibility. I’m incredibly meticulous in all areas of my life, so capturing all the little things on your wedding that you’ve been planning for months is something I love to do. Also I get delighted <em>thinking outside the box and creating one of a kind portraits to showcase your personal style. It's one of the things I enjoy most about working with my clients. From the moment I meet you, I want to bring a sense of enjoyment and fun to your shoot. Let’s let loose, have fun, and enjoy out time together because no day is the same, and each brings its own moments. Let me help you preserve them.</em><br>

<em>Coming from a background of producing high quality work for Nike, Billboard, and many other editorial magazines, I’m always on top of the game. Giving you the finest quality of digital files, prints, and albums is my goal for every shoot. I aim to stay ahead of the curve with fresh ideas and walking away with another happy client. I have high standards for the quality of work I produce!</em><br>

Aside from shooting regularly in LA, I’m open to shooting worldwide – especially Italy, Paris, and Sweden. So enough about me, I would love to know more about you.</p>

[William Michael]

<p>Stick it up - and note how it runs.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

<p>WW</p>

[Jim_Dockery_Photos]

<p>Two sentences I'd edit:</p>

<p>and enjoy <strong>our</strong> time together</p>

<p>... so capturing all the little things on your wedding day is something I love to do.</p>

<p>The line about shooting worldwide still sounds funny, why <em>those</em> three places? Is Paris the only place in France you want to shoot? Sweden is nice but what's wrong with Norway, Denmark, or Finland? Why mention two countries and one city? I'd loose that line.</p>

[nicolerenee]

<p>Much improved.</p>

[stp]

<p>I generally agree with the comments that have been made above, but something else struck me:</p>

<blockquote>

<p>So enough about me, I would love to know more about you. I do coffee, long phone talks, lunch on the beach, and occasionally a glass of wine at Napa.</p>

</blockquote>

<p>That sounds like it's from a single's ad.</p>