tar heel Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 I live in California but was raised in the South. I dated a gal out here who was also from the South and we got along great and we were very close, but not flaming in love of anything.... She moved away. We stayed in touch, but she met a guy, got married and here's the rub; She didn't ask me to shoot the wedding, and I have to admit feeling a bit disappointed. I know she might not have felt comfortable having an old "Beau" shoot her wedding, but I didn't even hear about it until it was over. I guess this is a question more for "Dear Abby", now that I'm actually typing here, but the question is "How do you deal with friends getting married who choose someone else to shoot it?" It left me feeling somewhat rejected, and I know she didn't mean anything negative about it, but still, it left me a bit down. She only lives a 5-hour drive, so it wasn't the distance, and we always said "If you get married, I shoot the wedding". She always swore I could... Oh well. Out of sight, out of mind. I need to get over it, I know, and I will, and I don't mean her any ill will, but nonetheless... How do you deal with friends choosing another photog...?? Or do you avoid doing that altogether? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
surfidaho Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 Howdy! Let It Go. Later, Paulsky Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matt Laur Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 How do you deal with it? By expressing your gratitude for not allowing business to mix with a slightly tangled social past. Something good MAY come from it, but plenty unpleasant can, as well. I'd just chalk this one up to her reducing the variables in a complex setting. And, no offense... but it's also possible that she has met some newer friend/s who are also photographers and those are fresher social contacts that she wants to maintain. She may have also been feeling awkward about being on a budget, and not wanting to ask you to spend a few hundred dollars on fuel and your time, to say nothing of the value of your services. It might also be interesting to explore how you'd approach the flip-side. I've had friends as me to photograph a wedding, and I've declined. Not because of money, but because (despite their great protest that they're not expecting much at their casual outdoor event) it's something I'd prefer that a specialist in that genre tackle. But I'm quite certain, on reflection, that they thought my refusal was social in some way, not professional/technical. It's really awkward to mix up the line of work with the family and friends, that's for sure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anton frid photography Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 Im sure a female side is needed to answer this question as well, but for the most part i decline. For one, i want to enjoy my friends wedding. Drink, socialize, dance. Having said that, in the past, i have shot friends or rather good acquaintance wedding. It went well, but def something i try to stay away from. I think she did you a fav for not asking you, but the question that you should be asking is, why didn't she envite you to her wedding. If you can answer that, you will know why she didnt want you to photograph her wedding. Be good and stay out of trouble young man Dr. Ruth :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tar heel Posted June 6, 2008 Author Share Posted June 6, 2008 It was a way small wedding, very simple, and she probably spent no more than $500 for the photos. She's very frugal, and that's probably it. I'm not dwelling on it, I thought it would be good grist for the forum. It's not a big enough deal to get all twisted up, but I was disappointed for a while... I would like to hear a woman's viewpoint, though... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vincent_peri Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 If I were the groom, I sure wouldn't want the bride's ex-boyfriend shooting the wedding! You never know if the photographer would cut off the groom's head in all the shots, LOL. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
john_h.1 Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 "How do you deal with friends choosing another... " Usually by avoiding a sense of entitlement to doing business with acquaintences, friends and especially ex-girlfriends, especially when they are married and especially when its the very occasion when they get married. Its funny you discuss the Dear Abby thing because this type of subject was raised in one of those type of articles just today. It featured someone asking what to think about their realtor "friend", who was between jobs and got real mad because the writer used someone else instead. You didn't go off in person (publically on-line to a degree though) like the realtor but your sense of entitlement is there nevertheless. Its better to fret about things such as 'Why am I so lame as to read Dear Abby in the paper' than seeing an example of yourself in it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiva Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 The reality: it's not about You. It's about Her being sensitive to Her Husband. Keep it simple. She did the right thing and you should congratulate her on doing just that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tar heel Posted June 6, 2008 Author Share Posted June 6, 2008 Hi William Morgan, I think you hit the nail on the head... You are right, it's not about me at all, I only wanted to broach the topic and see how everyone else felt about shooting friends,/old girlfriends/old boyfriends, etc. I would never say anything to her about it, because it IS not about me, it's what she needs, I was just wondering if others had the same thing happen, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiva Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 Hi Phil ... definitely a reasonable topic to bring up and I commend you for doing so because it will help some of those on the sidelines who sit and read. Thanks for bringing it up Phil. Interesting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
david_schilling___chicago_ Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 Thanks for sharing. I suspect that years from now you'll look back at these words and smile :-) As an aside, a photographer's passion to shoot weddings can be difficult for the civilians to understand. In this case I would consider yourself lucky that you were left out of the loop. Dear Abby can give out great advice but I doubt that she understands the photographer's "passion". Best wishes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JAPster Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 Hi there. Dont good friends give good friends the space & breathing room they need to make their own decisions? You cant judge her heart, and its useless (for you) to speculate on what motives caused her to go with another photographer instead of you. She is obviously moving on ahead with her adult life, in a big way. So, probably, you should do the same thing. Just send her (them) a nice wedding present and a beautiful card, signed with a sincere msg of goodwill, from your heart. If they still want to be friends, GREAT. And if not, GREAT again. Find your own way and your own heart again, and move ahead with your life. Go out and make new friends of your own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thomas_hardy1 Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 There is something about teststerone that makes old boyfriend photographers and new husbands not too compatible. You sound pretty level headed and cool.....new hubby might not be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sagephotoworld.com Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 It's nothing to do with you. It's that she met her love. She and he chose a photographer together. She probably completely forgot about what you agreed or her husband had a different preference. Whatever the reason was, you need to loosen up. You're dwelling so much upon the past that it's eating you up. As somebody else says - let it go. You have your life. Live your life and when you find your perfect woman, you'll forget or laugh at the emotional tangles you wove for yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
surfidaho Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 Howdy! I originally said: Let it go. Perhaps I should have said: Let her go? Later, Paulsky Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miwright Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 Even for a friend's wedding, unless it's a gift to the couple, $500 to shoot any wedding is hardly worth taking your camera out of the bag In hind sight, I think you should thank your lucky stars you were not chosen. In my estimation, this proves beyond a reasonable doubt you have good karma. Michael Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
William Michael Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 It is likely that you felt disappointed because you evaluated your `worth` as a photographer first and as then fact that you were a past boyfriend second and therefore wanted to share / give that skill that photographic skill to her and her husband. She, on the other hand, most likely was not considering the photographer aspect of you at all: she simply sees you, as a previous boyfriend. WW Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
red_buckner Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 Turn it around. Her boyfriend would not invite a former girlfriend of his to make the wedding cake. There's something about estrogen... And another thing. This lady might have considered it cruel to invite you along as a hired hand on her boy friend's Big Day. And it would have been cruel--and disrespectful to you. You would have taken nothing but unflattering pictures. She has good judgment. And, hell, marriages don't last. You'll have another shot at her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azlatic Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 Woman's viewpoint: dude, I'm sorry, but you weren't even on her radar. When I was planning my wedding, old boyfriends and old promises like that were long forgotten. Besides, I'm pretty sure I'd have been uncomfortable if my fiance chose one of his ex's to handle something for our wedding. I agree totally with Rhys (she met her love and they chose a photographer together) and William (she doesn't see you as a photographer, just an old boyfriend), and, well, Paul (let it go, man!). And, to answer your last question, I am relieved when friends don't ask me to photograph their special events. I'd rather be there as a friend than as the "party pic girl." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
William Michael Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 I wish I had phrased it thus: `you weren't even on her radar`. Kinda sums it up, I think! WW Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anton frid photography Posted June 6, 2008 Share Posted June 6, 2008 William, Amy, Paul You guys are the best! This was a fun read before my nap. Anton Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
William Michael Posted June 7, 2008 Share Posted June 7, 2008 I don`t know which William you mean: I don`t really mind, all Williams are kinda nice: and that Wm Morgan fellow seems to be a very nice bloke too . . . But hey! Anton Frid what a hit! . . . nice article in Rangefinder! Yaho! well done! WW Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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