Social Anxiety! Please Help!

[greg_g4]

<p>Briefly about myself.. I have been a second shooter in wedding for about 2 years, and I have done a few as a primary that were friends'.. also I have photographed few corporate events by myself.<br>

I have social anxiety which is stopping me from being a primary. It is getting better little by little with every wedding, and I keep trying new ways to control it. <br>

I am wondering if anyone else is going through or has gone trough the same problem and if they can share their ways of taking control.<br>

Also, my poor social skills, which I am working on, are making the B&G a bit uncomfortable, so I am really hopping you guys can share some one-liners that you guys use frequently that break the ice and make them laugh a bit. <br>

Thank you. </p>

[william-porter]

<p>Personality is a LARGE part of what makes a wedding photographer successful. You need to be assertive but not threatening or intimidating, reassuring, friendly. Helps to be able to remember names well the first time you hear them. And on top of all this, you have to be <em>cool and confident.</em> There are lots of stresses to deal with shooting a wedding — many of them completely unpredictable. And during all this, you have to be able to think about taking good photos.</p>

<p>Basically I think there are three kinds of photographers:</p>

<ul>

<li>Those who are naturals at this (I've known a few);</li>

<li>those who have enough of this personality that they can learn or fake the rest; and</li>

<li>those who simply don't have this kind of personality.</li>

</ul>

<p>I'm in the second group. If you're in the third group — and by your own description it sounds like you might be — you might seriously want to consider finding a different type of photography to excel. It's like anything. If you don't feel comfortable at it, worse, if your personality makes your clients uncomfortable, you may be a great photographer, but wedding photography may not be the gig for you.</p>

<p>I don't know you and I'm not providing a diagnosis! Just a thought for you to consider.</p>

<p>And learning a few one-liners won't do it.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

<p>Will</p>

[lex_jenkins]

<p>I don't believe anyone can fake their way out of social anxiety. Memorizing jokes and patter will just sound like an uncomfortable person reciting jokes and patter.</p>

<p>Getting comfortable with uncomfortable situations requires practice and some sort of guided methodology. You might try a support group. For other folks it helps to take workshops in public speaking. Street portrait photographer <a href="http://deinfaces.com/">Bob Dein</a> said one particular workshop changed his entire approach toward photography, and it shows in his rapport with folks he approaches for candid portraits.</p>

<p>About 25 years ago I got interested in live theater through a friend who was, like me, a former journalist. I wanted to write for theater but needed more direct experience. I took acting classes, auditioned for plays, movies, TV shows and ads. None of it came naturally, and I experienced a lot of anxiety. But with practice I was competent enough to enjoy performing in several live theater plays. I was a better director and writer than actor, but the experience gave me a better understanding of what actors needed and what audiences enjoyed and expected.</p>

<p>And the overall experience made me a better photographer and better able to interact with people in social situations on a different level than I had already learned as a journalist and safety inspector. My jokes are still terrible but my patter and B.S. seem more natural.</p>

[Matt Laur]

<p>I have absolutely no delusions about this: I would make a terrible wedding photographer. Though I have a pretty even keel, I'm not patient enough for the specific sort of cat herding that's peculiar to weddings. I have nothing but respect for those that can naturally inhabit that role. I've talked with some very talented wedding pros who - somewhat to my surprise - say they in turn would be completely paralyzed trying to cultivate the customers and shoot the sort of stuff that happily comes naturally to me.<br /><br />There's a lot of commercial work out there that doesn't include a single person in a white dress, or anyone's new mother in law. Lex makes the key observation: patter that plays as insincere is often worse than one's natural awkwardness. I think that people understand honest social quirkiness more than they'll be comfortable with someone who's plainly faking it. But a person's wedding is the worst possible place and time to find out how that will play to a given audience. So get to the bottom of what it is that's actually making you uncomfortable, or look instead to be the best second on the planet (a valuable person, to the right busy high-end wedding pro!), or hunt down commercial work that relieves you from the specific pressure points that make weddings so uncomfortable for you.</p>

[Robin Smith]

<p>If it is something that is really problematic there are drugs for treating it, but if it is simply the way you are, and it causes you no particular psychological distress otherwise, then I too would pick some other line of work. I've been a salesman and I just don't have the right personality for this. I can fake it for short periods, but it gives no pleasure. Selling your business requires salesman's skills, but actually photographing events requires similar but not necessarily identical skills. In the end, only you can decide whether the pain will outweigh the pleasure. As Lex suggests, support groups or public speaking courses may well help if it is something you can just learn to accept. Good luck.</p>

[green_photog]

<p>Hi Greg, thanks for bringing up this topic. I told people that taking pictures is easy for me but dealing with people at a wedding isn't. And 90% of wedding photography is dealing with people on their wedding day.</p>

<p>It's an art to stay close but not too close to the B&G and their family members. If people want to chat with me, I chat with them. If they want to keep their distance, I don't take offense. Most of the time, it's an 8 hour gig. When I have back to back gigs, I wouldn't be able to recall the people from the first wedding when I'm on the second one.</p>

<p>If possible, I jog down the B&G's occupation and some details. But I don't investigate their private life if they don't want to share. Last year, I did a multi day wedding and the bride barely spoke to me. She would ask her bridesmaid to tell me something instead of doing it herself. She's probably one of the most difficult brides I've worked with. But I didn't take exception as she was neither kind nor rude to me.</p>

<p>I think of this as a job just like most jobs. I'm not curing cancer or saving the world from hunger. That's how I get through most wedding days.</p>

[DickArnold]

<p>I came to wedding photography by accident and late in life. I brought forty years of dealing with people as a senior executive and before that as a military officer. I learned how to form consensus and to lead by respecting and establishing relationships with other people. One thing I had to learn when I started doing weddings after I retired was that I was no longer the boss and that I was there to serve my customers. I believe that a genuine interest in other people and their needs is essential to establishing good relationships at weddings. I placed a lot of emphasis on the pre-wedding meeting and finding out some things about clients and their preferences in order to establish rapport. I had a small studio and I gave away pre-wedding bride portraits as a way to communicate. I tried to get clients to talk some about themselves mainly so we could relax around each other. I also placed emphasis on developing a rapport with the bride and particularly the mothers as it is sometimes hard to tell who is running the show as I learned the hard way early on. If I established some decent relationships prior to the wedding my weddings generally went better and I got better pictures. I wasn't always successful in establishing that kind of rapport but I did for most of my weddings. Weddings are high stress events for the participants and sometimes reassurances are in order. That meant trying to establish comfort with my presence at the wedding. This was my job not the clients. I tried very hard not to affect the proceeding in a demand for poses. I stayed in the background and tried to record the ceremony. I usually got about 30 minutes for formals and other than that just photographed the events as they happened. </p>

 

[dave_thomas10]

<p>Perfect your craft. You'll get confidence from knowing your great at your job. </p>

<p>Everything else is bull... </p>

[bradleylau]

<p>Greg,<br>

Im sorry that you feel that way about yourself. DONT let it limit you. If you want to shoot weddings solo, then do so. Most people want photojournalsitic style anyway right? Most news photographers dont have to be personable. They document what they see. Learn to be a great photographer and create great images.<br>

Id suggest you smile a lot and dont say much. The times you need to interact, know what you want, be direct, but patient and smile. Take your shots and move on. Put 20-50-100 weddings under your belt and it will get easier. <br>

<br />I will say I get compliments on my sense of humor and ability to put people at ease. But if I didnt produce images that clients were happy with, it wouldnt matter how charismatic I was.<br>

<br />As far as giving you a line, Ill give you one that I heard from someone else, and it works well, albeit a bit crude. Ask them to look at each other, frame the shot and ask "Do you remember the first time you saw each other naked? They usually both giggle and Ive snapped a few great shots. Other than that, I dont have lines. <br>

Just shoot and focus on creating great images. <br>

Best of Luck!<br>

Brad</p>

[Dave Gardner]

<p>I don't know if anyone has mention this...but you can always get a front man/girl. An assistant that does the social side and you the photographer...it may cut into your profit...but it will also free you up to concentrate on taking the images.</p>

[patrick_lockwood]

<p>If you have poor social skills, I'll be honest, it might not be a good profession for you. This is a people profession. You really have to have great self-esteem and social wisdom, photography is only half of the job. If you want to learn social skills, I recommend first to get a job working with people, such as a salesman. But get the social skills first, before becoming self - employed. If you muck up the waters in your community now, you might not ever be able to recover from it. Make your mistakes and learning in another job, and once you think you have the confidence, then hang out your shingle as a wedding photographer. I disagree with Dave on getting a front person. As a photographer, you, not someone else, but you, you really have to have people skills, especially during the formals. </p>

[fotografz]

<p>What social skills do you think you are lacking? What things in the normal course of shooting a wedding turn awkward enough that the B&G get uncomfortable?</p>

<p>How the clients interact with you can play a big role in whether you are comfortable around them. So, sometimes it is a good idea to do an engagement session to discover that early on. If they know you a bit more, then the wedding day can go smoother. </p>

<p>BTW, I have never bought into the client-servant relationship … while we provide a service, it is a highly specialized one where we have to be in command rather than meeting the demands of those who haven't a clue what it takes to photograph a wedding.</p>

<p>The more quietly in command you are, the more clients respect you. In fact, most clients expect us to be in command, and when we aren't it can get awkward. Perhaps that is your issue?</p>

<p>Mutual respect is the foundation of good social interaction. Otherwise you are just a flunky yes man and are treated as such … which no one likes.</p>

<p>- Marc</p>

<p> </p>

[s_loris]

Social skills come with time and exposure to events. I think some of the replies here have been a little on the negative side, you need not give up on weddings.

 

I would suggest you expose yourself to a lot more social situations. I speak as one who used to have to slide papers across tables in meetings so people would not realise my hands were shaking. I have trained rooms full of people since the early hand trembling days. I hardly recognise myself!

 

Go to any social events you can find, join any clubs or whatever that may interest you. Check out facebook or your local tourist board or public library (UK) for clubs and events or classes. A good one is gallery opening nights - sign up to mailing lists of galleries and they usually invite you to first nights. Go to social events on your own if possible as people are much more likely to start talking to you if you are not with someone (hey, other people get lonely/afraid too!). Set yourself a target of talking to X number of people at each event you go to. As I said galleries are good as you have a conversational subject of the artwork right to hand.

 

Also, consider seeing a therapist who offers cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT). These are time limited sessions of usually only 6 to 12 meetings. This makes them cheaper than other assistance and very focused so you get results pretty fast. People sometimes associate this wrongly as being only about mental illness but a friend of mine overcame a minor phobia about travelling in lifts (elevators) within a few sessions and they had suffered from it for decades. They will even travel in glass lifts now.

 

Above all else, be proud when you have reached a target you have set yourself, but also dont be hard on yourself when things at weddings or other events do not go as perfectly as planned. No one has perfect events, but more confident people tend to re-paint problems into 'so what's' and travel past them with much less concern.

 

Lots of people are scared socially deep inside or fear failure or being judged badly by others. The more you listen to people the more you will realise this, so brush up on your listening skills. Once you realise there are lots and lots of worried nervous people, you can judge yourself less harshly and also help them out, they need encouraging and support too. Help others while saving yourself!

 

Good luck with the wedding stuff - I am sure you are doing way better than you believe and will do even better in the future.