How to photograph a dying man?

[lilypicketphotography]

OK, so maybe this is a really...awkward...question, but I am truly trying to handle this with as much sensitivity as

possible, so anyone who has thoughts/experiences, please do share.

 

An uncle of my husband's is dying of cancer. Rapidly. I only met this man and his family about 3 years ago,

because they live across the country. (They are in MN, I am in SC). I deeply connected with and loved this family

immediately, and naturally we are heartbroken that he has taken such a rapid turn. We are making a hurried flight to

MN in 2 days, to try to see him while he is still himself, so to speak. I would love beyond words to be able to make

some images for them, that would somehow capture this dear man's spirit and vibrancy and love for his family, which

I have rarely seen elsewhere. I asked his wife if it was ok to bring my camera, and told her that I would NOT use it

without his and her permission, at any given moment, and she said that was more than fine--she was kind of

pleased, I think. I do not know if such a task is even possible, but I cannot help but want to try. So I guess the

question is simply, please advise me. What kinds of things should I look for? What kinds of things should I avoid?

Has anyone done this successfully that would be willing to share their images with me for inspiration? I'm sure it is a

very personal thing, but any thoughts would be really appreciated.

 

Thanks, everyone.

[felixg]

I've been there several times and, while this can only be my own personal stance and not any kind of rule, I would not share images. You don't need someone else's images inspiring you anyway - you need your own vision, unencumbered.

 

The very best guide is your own instinct. If your instinct doesn't tell you anything, then perhaps it's not a good idea.

 

Talk to his family. Explain your uncertainties and fears, and your hopes for this work as well. Have your camera with you as you talk to the uncle, just in your lap not at your eye. Discuss this, after talking to the family, with him directly. Tell him what you have told us: that you want to capture his spirit, vibrancy and love for his family. If he is OK with in, then just photograph as you talk, being a human being first and a photographer second, so that the images flow from your interaction rather than interrupting it.

 

And give all the results to the family - not just prints to which you keep the original negatives and/or files. Let them, not you, decide your subsequent access to those originals when they are ready to do so.

[jtk]

Richard Avedon famously did it with his dying father...but that's a unique situation and it was a long project.

 

I think you'd (we all would) benefit by understanding death a little better. Do you know this person's likely dying process?

 

It commonly has distinct stages when it's taking time (you may be entering into your person's process a little late in the game). You can learn a lot by contacting hospices in your area...they always have perceptive, well-written handouts on this very topic...and they're operated by sensitive people who find their work an adventure..you might want to talk with some.

 

As well, if you want to get deeper, there's an important and historic, easily readable book by Elizabeth Kubler Ross...it's surely in your local library. All hospice work revolves around this: http://www.amazon.com/Death-Dying-Elisabeth-Kubler-Ross/dp/0684839385

 

People rarely look good as death approaches, though there are all sorts of examples to the contrary. Hospitals make appearances worse. Avedon photographed his father mostly standing, full-length, didn't focus on his face (as far as I know). With a small camera at bedside I might be tempted to soft focus, certainly if film I'd use something very grainy for it's softening effect. My photos of my own dying mother are hideous, frightening, unfair to her.

 

Have you attended other deaths?

[yeffe]

Nicholas Nixon photographs his subjects with an 8x10 camera. He's photographed portraits in nursing homes and made picturesof the HIV/AIDS epidemic. The range of responses can be imagined from the following quote (from Wikipedia)

 

"Documenting the debilitation and devastation wreaked by the disease, People With AIDS was alternately heralded as compassionate and life-affirming and condemned by HIV/AIDS activists as cruel and exploitive. The activist group Act Up! picketed the opening exhibition of the collection because it showed only patients suffering and none which were, in the organization's words, "vibrant and sexy."

 

So who knows how photos of something the culture is very torn about will play.

 

Also, see the work of Eugene Richards. You should look to these photographers not for hints about how your photos should look, but for examples of how difficult it is to tread this path. As a genre I think only juvenile nudes are more fraught and primed for controversy.

[douglasely]

I believe that your concerns are spot on and I admire your sensitivity. I think all that you need to do is ask the

subject and his wife for permission.

 

Though I have never photographed a dying person I once sat with and held the hand of a man that turned off his own

life support while in the hospital. I asked him if I could stay with him and would he like me to do so? He said yes.

Then the difficult period began. Should your subject say yes, and most likely he will, you need to be emotionally

prepared for the shoot. Be ready to do it sensitively and with grace. I have no doubt that you will.

 

Sincerely, Doug

[BrianS1664879711]

Just ask. The more straightforward you are, the easier it will be to "break the ice". I photographed my dying father several times. The last session we had resulted in a single image that I knew captured not just his picture, but was a view into his soul. It was such a touching photo that it allowed me put my camera down for several months while I sat with him and care for him as his health declined. The only thing my Dad ever asked was that I make sure he didn't look "too sick". If you and your Uncle comfortable then everything should go fine. You sound very sensitive, considerate, and kind. Don't wait.

[BrianS1664879711]

Commenting on John Kelly's post -- good suggestions, especially about the soft focus. I shot with and without a soft focus filter. The softer photos (softar 2) are much nicer. I shot head and shoulders - and I'm glad I did. I still see something special in my Dad's eyes... just like when I could look into them directly.

 

Kuebler Ross' 'On Death and Dying' is a classic that everyone should read.

[lilypicketphotography]

Thank you, dear ones. I knew I would, as always, find good advice here. Felix, I would not have thought to give them the *only* copies, and to restrict my own access to them--but as soon as I read it, I knew it was right. Thank you for that.

Douglas, I cannot imagine such a profoundly wrenching experience. It surely changed you as a human being in ways that only someone else who has been there could understand. I spoke with Uncle on the phone for just a moment yesterday, and while the warmth was still there, he tired quickly, so I know that time is of the essence, but I am unsure as to what to expect otherwise. A dear friend, like a mother to me, over 10 years ago was also being ravaged by cancer. I was allowed in to say goodbye 2 days before her death, and she looked absolutely horrible--not at all the person I knew her to be--though her only concern was, still, making sure I knew how much she loved me. So typical of her. So, John and Brian, you have both touched on one of my main concerns--that is, not showing him to be sick, weak, and scary-looking. You are right, that would be undeniably unfair to both him and his family. Going now to research the work of those you have mentioned.

 

Thanks, all.

[alissa_knight]

Liz,

 

First off, awesome question. My father recently died of Glioblastoma Malform (rare brain tumor), which kills so quickly it offers no more than a 6 month expectancy. He proved everyone wrong and lived almost 8.

 

I photographed him as well and the best advice I can offer you is:

 

1) Ask the family how they want to remember him. E.g. he probably doesn't want his family to remember him sick, so if he doesn't have hair from the chemo then have him wear some of his favorite hats. He wants to be remembered as full of life, etc. Not dying.. So portray him like that in the photos..

 

2) Find out what his favorite things to do were. A really beautiful picture for example if he liked playing chess, would be an antiqued photo of him sitting at a chessboard :) I don't know, play with it.. but the best advice I can offer is interview him or his family and find out what he loved doing and capture that in the photos

 

3) The best advice I can give is simply to capture him how he wants to be remembered, how he lived his life, not how he died.

 

Good luck!

 

Alissa Knight

Ibarra & Knight

www.ibarraknight.com

alissa@ibarraknight.com

[felixg]

An observation for Photo.Net:

 

I confess I don't know exactly where this thread should be placed, but in my personal humble opinion its removal from "Philosophy " to "Portraits and fashion" was a mistake.

[digitmstr]

THere is no such a thing as a dying man. THere is only a MAN so, photograph him the way he wants to be remembered and/or the way his loved ones want to remember him.

[matthew_newton]

I can only suggest what everyone else has suggest and that is to photograph him how he and his family would like to be remembered. My memories of my grandfathers (both died from prostate cancer, one when I was 9 the other when I was 22) are of them full of dignity and zest for life. Both always tried to give the best face they could and always tried to appear dignified even when they were in pain or exhausted beyond words.

 

I could not agree more with the suggestion to photograph your husband's uncle doing what he enjoys. More then anything you'll likely be able to capture the soul of the man more readily for his family and provide a memory for them that will never fade. A more precious gift I can hardly think of. In addition simply sitting down and playing chess, watching a movie, going through a slide show of old pictures, taking a drive through the countryside or whatever it may be he would truely enjoy can also possibly lift his spirits some and give him enjoyment.

 

I would certainly honor his and his family's wishes as to the use of the photographs. Personally I would have your husband help you view them and select 1-3 of them and do very nice prints framed and give them to his family. Beyond that I would personally never publish them. I share my joys freely with the world, but my true sadness and my pain are something I share with no one beyond my family and close friends.

[lilypicketphotography]

Hi, everyone, Just wanted to update you. We did go to visit dear Uncle, and while he physically and mentally seemed ok, he looked very thin, and very ill. So I did only one shot, in silhouette in front of a window, of him, my son, and my husband. While it's probably not my best work, I think it's absolutely beautiful. He died a mere 3 weeks later. I did send his family the print, but considering the situation, I haven't heard back and it's ok that I haven't yet. I will eventually. Thanks again, everyone, for your suggestions.