US moves to orange alert

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to

be a

public school teacher was arrested trying to

board a flight while in possession

of a ruler, a protractor, a set-square, a slide

rule, and a calculator. At a press

conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said

he has reason to believe that

the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra

movement. He is being charged

by the FBI with carrying weapons of math

instruction. [He is also suspected of

being an advocate of Ji A'm Atri.]

 

"Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult,", Ashcroft said.

"They desire average solutions by

means and extremes, and sometimes go off on

tangents in a search of

absolute value. They use secret code names like

"x" and "y" and refer to

themselves as "unknowns", but we have

determined they belong to a common

denominator of the axis of medieval with

coordinates in every country.

 

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to

say, there are three sides to

every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

 

When asked to comment on the arrest, President

Bush said, "If God had

wanted us to have better weapons of math

instruction, He would have given

us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that

our government has given us a

sine that it is intent on protracting us from

these math-dogs who are willing to

disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky

statisticians love to inflict plane

on every sphere of influence," the President

said, adding: "Under the

circumferences, we must differentiate their

root, make our point, and draw the

line."

 

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math

instruction have the

potential to decimal everything in their math

on a scale never before seen

unless we become exponents of a Higher Power

.

didja make that up? If so, it's a good one. Well done.

I guess Matt is now the funniest guy on the Forum. Good one.

I see no humor in the subject whatsoever. Just bad taste.

Geez Alec, if we can't laugh, we're really done for. Where's the bad taste? Get real dude.

On the First Amendment front, there have ongoing efforts to fight this group by banning performances of the 1975 Eagles hit "Take it to the Limit." Perhaps restrictions on the use of guide numbers by photographers will be next.

Wonder how many people think we're the terrorists. Right or wrong, probably quite a few I'd imagine.

From the "coalition" news media:

 

http://www.smh.com.au/cgi-bin/common/popupPrintArticle.pl?path=/articles/2003/12/21/1071941612613.html

 

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story2&cid=1514&u=/afp/iraq_saddam_britain&printer=1

It would fit. Americans and this administration are some of the greatest spinners of all time. At least we have allies there anyway.

Evidently Matt does not know any relatives of those killed on 9/11, nor does he have any compassion for them; likewise those who find this sort of humor funny. I'm all for scathing, acidic satire directed at the government (and happy that in America one can do that without fear of being dragged from one's bed in the middle of the night and tortured, imprisoned or summarily executed). But humor at the expense of those who have endured extreme hardship or tragedy? Sorry, I don't get it.

Matt, your writing demonstrates how fresh and nice this forum is. Excellent!

Matt - very funny piece.

Frank, which of the 9-11 hijackers entered the US through Canada?

Loss of life, any life, is deplorable. But while we are still alive, we should still laugh...

Check your facts, Frank. None of the 9/11 terrorists entered the US through Canada. All of them slipped across your own porous border and lived happily in the US for some time while your own authorities failed to stop them.

 

We in Canada realize how difficult it is when you just can't find someone to blame, though, so we're happy to be your scapegoat. We also are willing to take the blame for anything else that bothers you, such as socks that go missing in the wash.

 

Now you have it from a reliable source (moi -- that's "me," if you need the translation): in a secret warehouse in CFB Suffield, Alberta, there are millions of odd socks stolen from American laundry, which our socialist government has earmarked to be shipped to Cuba as humanitarian aid.

I am very sick of people using the "sorry, you obviously had no friends/relatives who died on 9/11" statement as some kind of jsutification for a loss of sense of humor. Lets see... I used to work in those buildings the year before it happened... 78th floor. Lets count how many people I knew who died. That & you'll notice on the list of those who died that someone does share my last name... Yes, he was family. But life moves on... and this had no direct reference to what happened that day & was a satire instead on our reactions to that day... no falling body jokes listed (those are sick). I am sick of people throwing 9/11 in the face of anyone who dares any political humor at all.

Speaking of the effectiveness of spin doctoring in the US, Frank needs to be reminded that every single one of the 9-11 terrorists entered the US through its own lackluster border control. 'Nuff said.

 

Remember how quick the US administration was to blame Canada for the

August 2003 blackout? All this while our own troops (including my first cousin) are stuck in Afghanistan dealing with the mess left behind in the haste to to create the next one in Iraq. I guess GWB had his head too far up his arse to see what our own PM saw as the most likely outcome of the war in Iraq.

In response to Heather, Matt M's "statement" was not poking fun at 9-11, rather the outcome of the war in Iraq and the folly of its pretenses. I think the world has a pretty good understanding of how the Bush administration works. (scientists committing suicide, evidence of poor intelligence, apparant lack of WoMD in Iraq, etc, etc, etc)

 

Rick Mercer (a Canadian comedian) should be required viewing for every freedom-loving american. Some of the greatest comedic works of all time use humour to raise serious political issues if you put down your guns and take the time to read between the lines.

You need to read more carefully... I see nothing wrong with Matt's joke... AAMOF, I liked it so much, I am keeping it. I had a porblem with those who tend to spout 9/11 guilt trips at those who do find it funny.

Frank,

 

>First Canada allows terrorists to enter its porous border and sneak into the USA. Now it gives us math based humor. What's next?<

 

If you're referring to the 9/11 terrorists, none entered the U.S. via Canada.

 

Joe

Matt., Take Leica pictures & be less cute.

orange alert<div></div>

Yeah, Canada, what a bunch of dumb beavers.....no one ever remembers what the Canadian diplomats did in Iran for Americans.

 

stepping outside by Georgian Bay to cut a tree down with my teeth

Yes in hindsight Heather I admit that particular slippery slope started with Jay's comments. I lived in New York last year for 6 months and worked at Memorial Sloan Kettering. I heard the stories about my colleagues (doctors) standing next to row upon row of strechers setup at the 67th and 68th St. curbsides for casualties. They were never needed...

 

Truth be told, living in New York was not scary to me because of the terrorist threat but because of the actions of the US government. As an outsider, perhaps my senses are more aware and my emotions slightly more in check. My paternal grandparents lived in the "suburbs" of Nazi Germany in Danzig and Vienna. It is truly scary to think of the crimes that can be committed in the name of an idea or crusade, be them against your own people or other cultures.

 

Believe me, Canadians will be watching the outcome of the 2004 elections with a keen eye.

Frank if you cant read the facts that no terrorists entered thru Canada then I suggest you put a sharp stick in your eye.

 

Wait while I go chew one up for you.

 

Slapping my tail on the water's surface to raise the alarm that Americans as usual no nothing about Canada or Canadians, but my goodness how much we can learn from stalwart Yanks like yourself.

oh dear.

 

first of all, this is not my writing, however it is right up my alley and i had a great laugh. i'm sure most of you did as well.

 

yes jay, since i'm from canada, i must not be affiliated with anyone affected by the 911 disaster. wrong!

 

slipping through the canada border!!! huh? they lived in the states and took flying lessons for how long? then got on board an american flight, by american crews and customs?

 

please guys, some of you are too tightly wound up. this was not meant to offend anyone...if it did, then you should probably not go out in public or visit public forums on the internet. i'm sorry.

 

"be less cute and take more leica pictures"... you know nothing about me. go jump in a lake.

 

season's greetings to all.

m

Frank, that story was discredited long ago.

 

Do try to keep up.