Photography and Relationships

<p>I know this question has been asked here before, but I believe there my situation is slightly different from previous posts.<br>

Firstly, I am a female. I am in my early 30's and I am a photographer. Photography is not my full-time job, but I do get paid: I shoot events, weddings, fashion catalogs. I also shoot creatives for my personal and models' portfolios.<br>

Secondly, I am in a relationship with a guy who is a photographer as well. It's not his full-time job either. He is a talented photographer and he used to do it a lot in the past: he was working with a modeling agency, shooting teen models and scouting new faces. When we met, he was not doing as much of it and seemed that he moved on to other things. In almost 3 years we've been together, he's done maybe like 3 shoots for friends (for free) and the rest was just assisting me with various gigs.<br>

Recently, he is been talking a lot about getting back into photography and starting shooting models and actresses (portraits mostly). He doesn't generally do nudes or any sort of revealing images (there are a couple of shoots like that in his portfolio, but it's not generally what he is interested in). However, his photos are very beauty-focused and are generally sexy/pretty. He doesn't usually have a theme in his photos other than showing the model's beauty. For those who are familiar with fashion photography: his photos have more of a test shoot look-and-feel as opposed to high fashion/creative. I also know that he did use photography as a way to approach women on social media. I don't think it has ever lead to anything other than free photoshoots, but he definitely found a lot of those women attractive, stayed in touch with them, commented on their photos, etc. In other words, those collaborations were not strictly professional. It is also how we met: I was a model at an agency, he messaged me on Facebook and offered a photoshoot. <br>

Now, when he is talking about getting back into doing photography, I can't help but feel uncomfortable and insecure about it. I love him and I trust him, but knowing that he will be spending his time looking at attractive women and showing them in the most flattering and sexy way possible makes me a little bit uncomfortable. I've talked to him about this, and obviously, it's not a kind of thing that I can prohibit him from doing (it would be extremely selfish and hypocritical of me), but I also know that it would be very difficult for me to deal with.<br>

I am looking for some sort of advice and judgement from other photographers. Is this an entirely unreasonable thing to be worried about? Has anyone been in a situation like this and how did you come to an understanding? I would also like to get an honest opinion from male photographers in fashion: what was your reasoning for getting into the field, your goal and motivation?</p>

<p>I would recommend a therapist or a good friend rather than random photographers if you're trying to feel less uncomfortable. I've never met a photographer who was a therapist.</p>

<p>Isabelle,</p>

<p> I've been in this business for over 60 years - while others may sugar coat the answer...you do not trust your boyfriend. My wife has assisted me on weddings, portraits and shooting models. both clothed and nude. <br /><br /> Unless you completely trust this man while he isn't in your direct line of sight - you will find nothing but heartache. Choose your boyfriend and his career or choose another boyfriend.<br /><br /> John</p>

<p>At times, one has to be extremely selfish. One ex told me (that she was extremely selfish of me) early on our relationship and it prevented many, many problems while it lasted... </p>

<p>John has the answer.</p>

<p>A student of mine asked me pretty much the same question, ex. details, years ago. My answer was "If you have her, no worries. If you don't by now, it isn't worth worrying about 'cause there isn't a whole lot you can do to change what might happen."</p>

<p>It mighty be unreasonable, it might not, it depends on him and what he thinks of you. Many men are tempted, but probably half will not act on their temptations. So I basically agree with John. Once love comes into it though, logic looses its importance.</p>

<p>I join those who suggest a therapist. I sense that your relationship hasn't yet matured to the point of complete and absolute trust. Therefore, I'd guess that step might still be ahead of you as a couple, or maybe not.</p>

<p>If this is a long-term plan it may comfort you to realize that by the time this guy reaches late 40s he will become invisible to young women!<br>

Why do people take pictures of anything, human, landscape, etc.? Oftentimes it is because the subject is exceptionally ugly or exceptionally beautiful. No ulterior motive is required. On the other hand, proximity to young attractive women can lead to, um, straying. That's why your safest bet for a boyfriend may be someone who works in a field with a high male-female ratio. Pilot is good. Software engineer is good. But a software engineer whose hobby is flying is great from the point of view of "unlikely to run into a single woman when at work"!</p>

<p>I don't have an opinion, really, but a lot of photographers end up with broken relationships, due to the demands of the job. That's usually due to the amount of travel and time apart, rather than anything else. I recall reading that one particular photographer, who shot for the National Geographic, lost his first marriage on account of his job.</p>

<p>Photographing women can be intimate, even if they are fully dressed, but that doesn't mean that I am going to hit on my subjects. Then again, to quote Karl Lagerfeld: I only know how I am, not how others are. :-)</p>

<blockquote>

<p> a lot of photographers end up with broken relationships, due to the demands of the job</p>

</blockquote>

<p> <br>

Do you have some statistics to back this statement up?<br>

</p>

<blockquote>

<p>On the other hand, proximity to young attractive women can lead to, um, straying. </p>

</blockquote>

<p> <br>

I photograph young attractive women, usually taking off their clothes, and it hasn't led to straying, nor has it led to straying for the other photographers I know who do it. I'd like to see some statistics on this one too.</p>

<p>Find an accountant. </p>

Thoughts. Three years relationship and you still have doubts about his fidelity? Thjis won't get any better with research methinks. Marriages in cinema have the same temptations, some work, many do not.... If a fashion-lite or model photographer has the roving eye and is a rover than he is less than professional to the subject. Real pros of the field look at their task as work, their professional practice, like the family MD examiner of his opp sex patients. Most money making f/t models ALSO keep a professional relationship to succeed or fail at it.... So where do you go from here? Look to your own gut re the gent ,your self confidence or weakness projected on to him maybe... ( Pros who shoot video porn even, and I have listened to one. He says " The job is a job. Gets boring even on the set with the naked ladies chewing gum.") True, ask them. As a job it can get mechanical like any job and the glamour and excitement drop after a long hard shoot...

 

Three years you say, hmm. and still you think he may have roaming eye and succumb to a bare leg. Hard one for the forumthink answer. As a grandpa I say perhaps keep marriage off the table for a while yet.

Wait two more years, see how he does with the model routine -with you as assistant and observer and/or MUA whatever. It may fly and you are partners in photo world. Or poop out. Temptation lurks lots of places and on the net...Good luck. You are going to need plenty. Some professiona, not Doctor Ruth, but a counselor is a decent idea. Spill the beans.

<p>Does it still bother you if you know 100% that he won't do anything about it?</p>

<p>I suspect that most men sometime or other have dreams about women, but that is very different from actually doing anything like the dreams. </p>

<p>But I think three years is long enough that you should know without needing to ask.</p>

<p>As others have said, the problem is not the photography. I don't think we can suggest much except to get help from somewhere else--a friend who knows both of you or, if your boyfriend is willing to go, a marriage counselor. You don't have to be married to see one, and sometimes they can help in a way that a therapist who only sees half of a couple cannot.</p>

<p> </p>

<blockquote>

<p><strong>I also know that he did use photography as a way to approach women on social media.</strong> I don't <strong>think</strong> it has ever lead to anything other than free photoshoots, but <strong>he definitely found a lot of those women attractive</strong>, stayed in touch with them, commented on their photos, etc. In other words, those collaborations were not strictly professional. <strong>It is also how we met:</strong> <strong>I was a model at an agency</strong>, he messaged me on Facebook and offered a photoshoot.</p>

</blockquote>

<p>You've got one hell of an inner voice that seems to be telling you..."Here's your sign". Embrace your aloneness and stop relying on other people to make you feel good. Companionship is way overrated. Beauty doesn't last. A friend, whether it's one's self or someone else lasts forever. Loyalty is earned and it takes more than 3 years to develop that especially as complicated as people seem to be.</p>

<p>People seem to think they are tied and defined as a "good" human by their emotions and how they express them to others. I once felt this but I had to force myself to show emotion so I could think that I was a normal human being when I attempted to force myself to cry after my dad died in a car wreck. I didn't feel like doing that but was concerned that others might think I'm some soulless subhuman.</p>

<p>At around 40 I was rooming with my brother who had a Rhodesian Ridgeback/German Shepherd mix dog he raised from a newborn. The dog didn't call to me but always to my brother. He knew who was boss. Extremely loyal. When I was trying to force myself to weep as most say you're suppose to after a close relative dies I could only get out a whiny whimper where the dog immediately came out of my brother's room and rushed over to console me by licking me in the face and whining along with me. My brother stood and watched in glee how good his dog was saying..."Damn good dog, ain't he". I was amazed! To heck with trying to cry I'm going hang out with this dog!</p>

<p>A freakin' dog had more emotional depth and conscience than all the people I've come in contact with in my entire 40 years including co-workers, supposed friends, my former wife and kids and the rest of my family.</p>

<p>In short I suggest you get a dog.</p>

<p>I suggest you watch episodes of this very informative series..."Adam Ruins Everything" especially the episodes on divorce, romantic love and weddings (sorry wedding photographers)...</p>

<p>

/> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zOERpb0MGc8</p>

<p>Locate the full episodes.</p>

<p>They cover this word I just found out... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence</p>

<p>Pretty much confirmed what I felt in my gut about relationships, people and society in general.</p>

"I would also like to get an honest opinion from male photographers in fashion: what was your reasoning for getting into the field, your goal and motivation?"

 

Will anyone say up front to get close and frisky with gals? Seriously? Polygraph needed quick..

 

Good luck. Have you been hit on often by those who retained YOU as a model that has put you on defense. Of course, really, Facebook may not be a good venue for career models. And he is not going to make a living at such in my opinion and others will know more about that part. He may i mean wind up doing weddings and portraits to make a living at his photography. Or shooting pets or parties or bar mitzvahs. Or it may just fizzle out, poof and stay an avocation he shares with you. Be brave and confident, why not, it may be a bond too good to toss away with stipulations or misgivings or suspicions about his forays on weekends... You know you have no real control, right?. If he is worth it. You do share a common love for our pastime. And have 3 yrs and counting... And also, by the wahy, I think it is not so bad if he has female friends and for you to have male friends. Examine your feelings on that score because that could kill the mating, like poof... Men and women CAN be friends without physical intimacy. True.

As my grandmother use to say "How you meet them is how you'll leave them." You met him as the focus of his

photography, and now you're afraid he's bored and is trying go back to the same MO that he met you. Thats a valid

concern. Its much like the wife that started their marriage to a married man as his mistress. He divorced, she married

him and now she realize what he did to his ex wife he can do to her.

 

In your situation, either you trust him or you don't. Be alert and aware of his old MO of meeting women and if its what he's

doing. There is not much else anyone other than he and/or a counselor can tell you.

<p>For those who are saying that photographing beautiful women leads to straying, what real world experiences are you basing this on. I know several fashion photos shooting young models that haven't "strayed". Maybe people have seen too many movies.</p>

The OP said, "... those collaborations were not strictly professional. It is also how we met: I was a model at an agency, he

messaged me on Facebook and offered a photoshoot. "

 

That is where him possibly straying comes from.